Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize