just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
