Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
