Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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