Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
