so that wasnt chicken after all
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
