she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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