I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
