"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
