Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
how does that bad decision feel?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
