Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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