you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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