remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
