Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
