You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
