That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
