Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
