i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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