she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what day is it and did you see me today?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
