dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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