How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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