Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
