so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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