dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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