FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
