1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
