If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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