I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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