remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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