I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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