i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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