Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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