my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
