the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
