i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
