He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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