did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize