thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
