So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
