I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
