Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
