One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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