I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
