I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
