walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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