Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
