Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
