i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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