Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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