Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
