Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
