im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
