My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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