Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
