Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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