One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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