Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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