he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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