What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
