Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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