At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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