I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
