soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
