I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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