I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
