I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
