Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
