i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
